We’re back! Two weeks in a row we said we wouldn’t have an episode but we just can’t stay away from the fetid swamplands of Somewhere, California, where we watched the bizarrely titled S01E13, “Baked Nevada”. Hey, remember everything that happened last episode? Well, you can probably forget about all of it, because none of it mattered. Good news: Molina is back! Anything else good here? No? Well, okay. This week, Jack reveals his true allegiance. Don’t trust the cops!

Sam – https://positive-stress.tumblr.com/ Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

Patreon – https://www.patreon.com/juergenit

Hoo boy. Really thought it wouldn’t come to this. We’re here this week talking about S01E12, “The Secret Wedding of the American Teenager”. The one time you really want the title to have nothing to do with the plot of the episode, and it’s completely accurate. This episode was so bad, Jordan’s throat exploded and he sounds awful. Sorry about that! It was either record it like this or never do another episode. This week, we’re overdosing on red pills. Don’t forget your fake ID if you want a cocktail at the reception!

Sam – https://positive-stress.tumblr.com/ Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

Patreon – https://www.patreon.com/juergenit

I guess that large adult bully really did some serious damage to Ben’s brain, because he’s… arguably the best character for this episode? What? Okay. This week we’re talking about S01E11, “Just Say No”! It’s… fine! I guess! Besides everything with Adrian’s dad and everything with Ricky and everything with Alice and everything with Jack, it’s fine. Gricky becomes canon, Adrian’s dad becomes Ruben, and Lauren just keeps getting worse. This week, Ricky learns how to do a cartwheel. Hold on to your promise rings!

Sam – https://positive-stress.tumblr.com/ Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

Also we’re on Patreon now!!!! https://www.patreon.com/juergenit

I’ll never again remark on the length of an episode, because this one is even longer than the last. There’s a LOT to unpack here. Fortunately, we’ve got friend of the show Argyle Funk in to help! It’s our tenthpisodestravaganza, and we’re talking about S01E10, “Back to School Special”! Grace has now firmly cemented herself as most likable character on the show, I guess. Also, Lauren is now the worst friend! Also, we get our first fight scene! Well, more of an execution scene. This week, Amy is going to slut school. Say it.

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex Argyle – https://twitter.com/Argyle_Funk

Our longest episode yet! It’s S01E09, “Slice of Life”, and it’s pizza time in Secret Life City, baybee! Lots of stuff happens in this one, actually. It’s the least worst episode we’ve had in a while! What a treat! This episode is like the pineapple on the Secret Life pizza. The pizza would arguably be better without it, but at least it’s something that goes on a pizza sometimes. The rest of the pizza toppings are like… orange slices and peppermints. George starts spinning yet another web of lies BECAUSE WHY NOT, Adrian is sad, Lauren’s character gets assassinated, and Tom, uh. Well! Tom! This week, we share our favorite raisin bran wine pairings. Tom!

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

You know, last week’s episode made me think that maybe Secret Life had figured out how to come up with episode titles that are relevant to the episode itself. Guess not! This week we’re talking about S01E08, “Your Cheatin’ Heart”! Sure, why not? This was an action-packed episode, believe it or not! Lots of stuff happens. Adrian gets to work on having a storyline that doesn’t involve sex or desks, George invents a new form of advertisement, Ben embarks on a vision quest… and Ashley is here too! This week, we thoroughly fail the Bechdel test. Please don’t call security on us.

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

I hope you all like truancy, because this week we’re talking about S01E07, “Absent”! If this were an episode of Friends, it would be called “The One Where Nobody Goes to School”. Single Delicious Counchelor Marc Molina would be losing his mind, if he existed for this episode. Hey, we finally made it, everyone! It’s seven episodes in and the character arcs are starting! Ricky is beginning his journey toward being the only likable character on the show and Adrian finally meets her first friend! Also, she hangs out with Grace for a minute. This week, Leo kills Sam. Well, it was fun while at lasted!

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

Fill your pitchers with water, open the lid on the coffee maker, pour the water in, close the lid, reopen the lid, add your filter, close the lid again, walk to the fridge, grab your coffee, open the bag, grab a scoop, measure out some coffee grounds, open the lid again, put the coffee in, reseal the bag, close the lid, and press “brew”, folks… then throw the coffee down the drain because you won’t need it! This week we’re talking about S01E06 – “Love for Sale”! Who needs Wikihow to learn how to make coffee when you have this instructional video starring Molly Ringwald? Or you can just give Ben a ride to the abortion clinic and he’ll pay you enough that you’ll never have to brew your own coffee again. Oh, uh, this is the episode where Amy goes to an abortion clinic, so I hope you like hearing the word “abortion” a bunch of times. This week, we’re getting a pizza with extra sausage. Drive!

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex

Can’t keep a bad podcast down! We took a week off but we’re back, with a special guest – it’s STOG from The F Plus, who decided he also wants to destroy his brain with this horrible show! This week we’ll be talking about S01E05, “What Have You Done to Me”. The title’s not super relevant to what happens in the episode but it’s certainly relevant to how we were all feeling after watching it. It starts with Meat Magician Ben Boykewich pulling a miraculously unscathed platter of chicken wings out of a comically large picnic basket, and it’s pretty much all downhill from there. Honestly I’m kind of at a loss for things to say about this one. It’s bad. You might want to cancel your next appointment. Thanks, STOG!

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex STOG – https://twitter.com/sodaaccident / http://thefpl.us

Buckle up, because this week we’re talking about S01E04, “Caught”, and it’s bad! Like, really bad. I think I’ve referred to every episode as “the worst episode so far” and boy does this one ever fail to break the streak. Get ready for some shirtless [adults portraying] teenagers because there’s a lot of them! You’d think Single Delicious Counchelor Marc Molina would have something to say about all of this but I have no idea where he is. I sent him an email but he hasn’t responded. This week, the Sausage King defends his throne from the interloper Amy Juergens. Sorry about the Conky voice!

Sam – https://twitter.com/posistress Jordan – https://twitter.com/BradypusRex