Live from Arizona the day after Thanksgiving, the boys are here in the same room trying to avoid eye contact while discussing S05E11, “Half Over”! Sam forgot to bring his notes but that’s okay, because Jordan has his and they’re moderately legible. Jack’s life hangs in the balance, but who cares about that when Ethan is being Ben 3.0? Anyway, I think that’s pretty much it. I think that’s basically everything that happens in this one. This week, you’ll never guess who’s back… it’s Tammy!

Sam | Jordan

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Scrooges rejoice! It’s finally time for S05E12, “Hedy’s Happy Holiday House”, AKA the Secret Life Christmas Episode, and we’ve got fellow Christmas fan Roy back on the show to help us celebrate. We’re Jewish and mad, and it’s all Brenda’s fault. The War on Christmas is real, and it’s here in the studio tonight. This week, it turns out Santa is real. Sure, why not?

Sam | Jordan | Roy

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Good news for people who hate Amy: it’s S05E13, “To Each Her Own”, and she’s finally getting taken down a peg. Amy’s got her wedding dress, and we all hate it! Meanwhile, Ethan is being extremely normal and teaching the teen viewers good lessons. Meanwhile meanwhile, David is being extremely normal, but unironically? I think? Do we like David? This week, we’re referencing Miss Havisham again. I’m sure it will land this time!

Sam | Jordan

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Hey, remember when Jack woke up from his coma on Christmas Eve, proving that God and miracles are real? Well, this week we’re discussing S05E14, “It’s a Miracle”, and now we’re all very skeptical of those things. Can you imagine believing in miracles? What a stupid show that would have to be! We’re all about science and reason here on Secret Life. This week, we’re issuing a correction on a previous statement of ours regarding David Johnson. You do not, under any circumstances, “gotta hand Roboruto to him.”

Sam | Jordan

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Happy new year! We’re back in a brand new decade, but the show is the same as ever. We’re talking about S05E15, “Untying the Knot,” a very boring episode that neither of us wanted to watch. Everyone is on the phone, talking about marriage certificates and custody battles, until they get mad and hang up without saying goodbye. Let’s see, what else? Uhhhhh… I guess that’s it? Exciting stuff! This week, we’re begging for a new therapist. Come back, Mrs. Gully!

Sam | Jordan

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Teens, we’re really in the home stretch now! It’s S05E16, “Shiny and New”, and we’re sick of it! We’ve had it! This show is so boring and we have to watch eight more episodes of it! It sucks! That’s it! This week, Brenda didn’t write the episode, but that doesn’t make it any more palatable. Thanks for nothing, Brenda!

Sam | Jordan

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Good news! Brenda’s still gone, and the Turks are here to pick up the slack, I guess, with S05E17, “Fraid So”! You gotta hand it to them, this episode did give us things to talk about, which is more than we can say for the last few. Do they know how printers work? Why are we watching George make a meat deal? How much IS the skeleton tax? Join us as we find the answers to none of these questions and more! This week, I’m taking my extremely violent bird to the mall. It’s a good analogy, I swear!

Sam | Jordan

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Hot dogs, get yer hot dogs here! The SLOATboys are here live at Hot Dog Hut to talk about S01E19, “Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free”! Against all odds, Anne has somehow gotten jobs for herself and- wait. Hold on. This is actually S05E18, “Money for Nothin'”! Sorry about that. There are only so many titles, I guess. Anyway, this is an episode. Divorce Attorney is back with a vengeance(?) and so is Ben(?) It’s really impossible to know at this point. This week, we’re skipping leg-to-stand-on day. All we need is one jacked arm.

Sam | Jordan

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Hello, Duelists! We’re joined by Elliott of Pod of Greed to discuss S05E19, “Interference”! Amy and Ben are returning from New York, but Ben decides to do a crime first! Meanwhile, Omar is learning how to control phones and Jack’s mom (Didi, for you fake fans) is learning how to control teens. It’s very cool stuff. This week, we’re learning to love math with the help of special guest star Danica McKellar, and we can’t wait to take her down a peg.

Sam | Jordan | Elliott

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Get your grandmas and a bucket of popcorn, it’s time for Secret Life! We’re talking about S05E20, “First and Last”! George is fully the main character now, and that’s great. Unfortunately, he can’t have all the screen time – gotta make room for our friend Ethan! He’s being opprobrious this week, but he did teach me how to spell opprobrious. This week, we’re throwing some money into the marriage tontine. It’s gonna be big!

Sam | Jordan

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