HEY! I’M TYPING THIS ENTIRE DESCRIPTION IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THIS EPISODE OF SECRET LIFE, S04E02, “ANOTHER ONE OPENS”, IS SO INCREDIBLY SUBTLE THAT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN FOLLOW WHAT’S GOING ON HERE! BRENDA HAMPTON IS REALLY FLEXING HER WRITING MUSCLES THIS WEEK, AND WE LOVE TO SEE IT! BUT DON’T WORRY, YOUR FAVORITE CANNING BOYS ARE HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE DEEP SUBTEXT. THIS WEEK, IMAGINE JORDAN SAID SOMETHING FUNNY AGAIN. GOODBYE, GRANDMA!

SAM | JORDAN

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We’re back! The Canning boys are so thrilled to return to our normal scheduled Juergen’ It with S04E01, “When One Door Closes”! Is it good? No. Is it watchable? Yes! You can watch it – as long as your screen is in front of you, where screens go! Things are still a bit of a bummer from the season 3 finale, but the writing is… competent, and we’ll take it! It’s all pretty tolerable, aside from the stuff with Ruben. And Ashley. And Leo. And Kathleen. This week, we’re finally going back to the church scene. Don’t forget to tweet!

Sam | Jordan

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Hey! We’re still recovering from the season 3 finale, so here’s a fun trip down memory lane. This week, we’ll be reminiscing about some of the bonkers things that have happened on this ridiculous show. Next week, we see what season 4 has in store for us! “Yay!”

Sam | Jordan

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We may have finally gotten the Just Say Me episode of Juergen’ It done, but we are by no means finished with that episode of Secret Life! This week, we begin our new Patreon series, the Circlejuerg, in which we will continue watching and discussing Just Say Me once a week, every week, until the patrons let us stop. For as low as $1 a month, you can get access to the Circlejuerg, as well as all of our bonus content up to this point: Secret Life audio commentaries, our full reading series of the Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens, and fan fiction readings! What are you waiting for? Give us money so I can pay Jordan to stop bumping his mic!

It’s finally here! The long-awaited redo of our lost episode – S02E16, “Just Say Me”! This is the episode where everyone is masturbating! That’s all you need to know, so for the rest of this description, enjoy the episode titles we didn’t use, because it was tough to pick just one this week! If you don’t like it, feel free to mentally swap it out for one of the following:

1. Deep in Bad Ricky
2. Paddling the Top Canoe
3. Ashley Targaryen, Gender Centrist
4. Petition to Fix the Two and a Half Men Theme Song
5. Hands Race
6. How to Make a Pearl
7. 10 Hours Adrian Dance to Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
8. Metroid: Other Other M
9. Geoff’s the Only Bar & Grill & Stadium

If you haven’t seen it already, here’s the masturbation montage, which we were not making up or exaggerating in any way!

Sam | Jordan

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Well, here we are! It’s S03E26, “…Or Not to Be”, and this episode needs a content warning: this is the stillbirth episode. We will not be getting into any of the miserable details, but Brenda certainly did not hesitate to give them to us, complete with one of the most shameless music choices we’ve ever heard in a TV show! But hey, it’s not all bad: there’s also some fat shaming for comic relief! Wait, never mind. This week, it’s all bad. I’m sure season 4 will be better!

Sam | Jordan

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Teens, put your phones away! It’s S03E25, “To Be…”, and your hands are for rice now! Ben and Adrian are married now, and that’s just where the show is at. Who cares about that, though, when you could care about interesting things like, what if Anne, was, in a relationship, with, that guy? What if Camille, who we know, was dating George, because, ? What, if Jack and Madisions, where dating, and w, e liked it? What fif, ew’and RBrenada ahd idaieos for tenens wasys fof liefe/? What igvfbu there aws Draama, an dv\wso rRuckiy had to aget a newww byedd.j? This week, I couldn’t possibly care about any of this. Sorry!

Sam | Jordan

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Hey, teens! Put down the peyote – this Juergen’ It episode can be enjoyed all on the natch! It’s S03E24, “It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over”! It’s wedding time, and it’s drama time! And George is here, and he’s ready to bone down, and Anne is getting married to a bowl of polenta, or something? That can’t be right. Sorry, my notes are all smudged because I was weeping tears of joy from the beautiful Bruno Mars wedding montage. This week, Jordan has to wake up. That’s it, alright?

Sam | Jordan

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Good news, sort of! It’s S03E23, “Round II”, and it’s not a merciless onslaught of negativity like the last episode! Are any of these Nice scenes earned? No, not really, but at least this episode doesn’t kill you when you watch it – despite Ashley’s best efforts! This week, the Brenda Hampton Apology Tour is coming to take you away. Thanks, Henry!

Sam | Jordan

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What is there to say this week? It’s S03E22, “Loose Lips”, and we’ve got a new Worst Episode So Far. We’re joined by friend of the show Val to talk about, surprise, Ben being awful! This week, we’re sorry we brought a guest into this. As always, we wish you love, peace, and SOUL TRAIN!

Sam | Jordan | Val

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